Performance Anxiety

I recently went through the most difficult work experience of my career, and I decided to channel some of those feelings into an illustration.

What I first thought was an incredible opportunity soon turned into a nightmare. Poor communication from production and management, with minimal onboarding resources and an excessive reliance on undocumented or tribal knowledge. Expectations and workflows were incredibly unclear, while opportunities to ask questions or gain meaningful context were way too limited. Not to mention passive aggressive comments, condescension, and an overall interpersonal atmosphere that often felt unwelcoming and hostile rather than collaborative and supportive of someone learning an established production.

I was at first delighted to learn that AI was not being used on the job, that artists were given the opportunity to be part of the creative process. A wonderful thing in a world where machines are taking over very job! Except that now artists are being treated like machines. Produce produce produce, no time to grow, no opportunities to learn, no chance to collaborate. I had never felt as insignificant and disposable as I did now.

And this isn’t just my experience. I’ve heard from many other artists who have been struggling in the industry lately, and there seems to be a growing sense of being undervalued and disposable. Too often poor planning and ineffective production management create problems that ultimately fall on the artists to absorb, through unrealistic expectations, mounting pressure, and being left to carry theconsequences.

There are many lessons to learn from this experience so here I write them here for future self. They might land on the eyes of someone else that could benefit from this:

- Follow your gut! If the vibes feel off right from the beginning, RUN!
- You are not your job, your résumé, or your portfolio. Your worth has never depended on your professional success. Even the outcome you feared most can happen, and you are still here. Alive, safe and whole!
- If too little is known about the job and the project itself before starting, it is ok to say no. Not every opportunity is worth taking
- Dont lose sight of why you fell in love with art in the firstplace. Rejection, failure, or unrealistic expectations cant erase that.

Thanks for listening to my rant.
About the piece, it is quite dfferent that my usual whimsy work but it was a good way to process lingering emotions. I channeled my younger emo self and binge listened to LinkinPark while putting this together. Shut out to my kid for helping me as the model for the young me character. She took the assignment very seriously. Such a natural